But I don’t anymore. I think I stranded a few of you.
The blog finally got moved to aarondietz.us/blog/. I’ve got the RSS feed thing going, if that’s what you’re into.
And, if you really only visited this place for Dogboy, he’s going strong here: AdventuresOfDogboy.com.
Then of course, there’s the latest thing I do: SongWonder.com.
So that’s where I hang out these days.
My copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is 965 pages–pages I’d
rather skip–but since I really just want to find out what happened,
I’m going to finish the series. Here are the next three chapters in my
concise summary of the book, so you don’t have to read it.
Chapter 10
Harry Potter rummages around in Grimmauld Place, an old hideout of the Order of the Phoenix. He finds nothing.
Chapter 11
Harry, Ron, and Hermione continue hanging out in Grimmauld Place, doing nothing. Harry is mean to their only two visitors: Lupin and Mundungus.
Chapter 12
Harry, Ron, and Hermione actually do something, and by “something”, I mean they sneak into the Ministry of Magic’s headquarters. However, their sneaky plan takes so long that the chapter ends before anything cool happens.
My copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is 965 pages–pages I’d
rather skip–but since I really just want to find out what happened,
I’m going to finish the series. Here are the next three chapters in my
concise summary of the book, so you don’t have to read it.
Chapter 7
Harry Potter opens birthday presents, makes out with Ginny, and then makes out with a snitch left to him through Dumbledore’s will.
Chapter 8
A decidedly ordinary wedding and celebration drones on for 20 pages before an exciting message is delivered: “The ministry [of Magic] has fallen.” The chapter ends.
Chapter 9
The wedding celebration is crashed by Death Eaters, but Harry, Ron, and Hermione escape lickety-split. Harry gets a headache, for the second or third time already in this book.
…and I was wearing a Clarissa original. It’s a beautiful dress, and is a fine example of the work Clarissa does.
(I know I usually don’t advertise services on my blog, but I absolutely love this designer’s work, and I commissioned a dress from her specifically for my night in drag–so I’m going to show it off!)
Need a dress for a special night out? Clarissa’s work is amazing, and way cheaper than [insert famous fashion designer name here].
I can’t recommend her enough, but I’ll quit now because anyone can see from the picture that her work is exquisite. If you’re interested in a dress, contact Clarissa here.
(Oh yeah–she also helps people without fashion sense shop for clothes, and has been very successful at turning clueless men into hot items overnight!)
My copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is 965 pages–pages I’d rather skip–but since I really just want to find out what happened, I’m going to finish the series. Here are the next three chapters in my concise summary of the book, so you don’t have to read it.
Chapter 4
The wizards spend six pages discussing a simple plan to move Harry Potter to a safer place. Then, Harry spends nine pages crashing a motorcycle.
Chapter 5
Apparently, some wizard I can’t remember from previous Harry Potter books dies. The remaining wizards drink.
Chapter 6
Harry, Ron, and Hermione do chores.
My copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is 965 pages–pages I’d rather skip, but since I really just want to find out what happened, I’m going to finish the series. I present to you, three chapters at a time, a summary of what happens, without the verbosity and irrelevant irrelevancies.
Chapter 1
Voldemort invites a bunch of boring aristocrats over for dinner.
Chapter 2
Harry Potter reads the news.
Chapter 3
Harry Potter’s uncle exhibits his anti-wizard phobia for the hundredth time in the series. Dudley, Harry Potter’s cousin, confesses his love for Harry.
If you’re like me, it’s hard to tell what emotion you are feeling. That’s why I’ve come up with a list of measurable phenomena that can help!
How to tell if you are in love, for robots and mildly autistic people:
1. You check your email just to see if a certain person wrote.
2. You think about that person 482 times a day or more.
3. Your heart rate increases when that person texts you, even if it’s a simple message, like, “Hello”.
4. You find yourself uninterested in boning other people.
5. Your stomach experiences roller coaster-style sinking sensations when they tell you bad news that might separate you, like that they might move away.
6. More stuff like the above.
In the last decade, porn has surpassed war and space exploration as the most influential creator of new technologies.*
1. Porn
2. War
3. Space Exploration
* Data not actually gathered from anywhere.
At the grocery store, I got in line behind a woman with these characteristics:
1. Beauty queen face.
2. Voluptuous body.
3. Clothes that fit well.
4. A shirt that exposed veritable cleavage.
Here is what she was buying, among other things:
1. Hershey’s chocolate syrup.
2. Folger’s coffee.
3. A bag of Reese’s peanut butter cups.
4. A bag of M&M’s.
When I thought of how much slavery she was supporting in her single trip to the grocery store, I wanted to puke all over those boobs of hers. She instantly became the ugliest person in the store.
Ladies and gentlemen, no lenience will be granted just because Halloween approaches. Buying slavery-grown cocoa products is not just quiet acquiescence–it is an action of avid support. Don’t make me puke on you.
Number of messages in my MySpace inbox: 364
Percentage of those messages that are from Fantastic H: 33
Percentage of those messages that are from King Rusty: 8
Percentage of those messages that are from profiles that have since been deleted: 12
Time (in minutes) spent walking to and from work, per weekday: 17
Percentage that time waiting for stop lights: 42
Number of photos I’ve taken of my dog: 0
Number of dogs I own: 0
Record time (in seconds) I have spent masturbating without a break: 14,827
Estimated amount of lube (in ounces) used per month: 8.2
Career win-loss record at Connect Four: 142-73
Connect Four record, last ten games: 1-9
Percentage of these statistics that are completely made up: 31
Percentage of these statistics that are accurate to within five percent: 62
What are YOUR statistics?